1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
