It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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