so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
