he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
