there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Walk of Shame today included voting.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
