Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
