I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
