Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
