I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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