it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
