I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
