I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
