i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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