She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
