I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
