my mouth tastes like poor choices
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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