On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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