at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
