How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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