You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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