is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
be right there i have to get my cape
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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