can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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