my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
