im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
