I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Found your dick twin last night
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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