I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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