I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
