my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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