your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
