wrigley field is MILF paradise
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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