just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
