Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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