How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
