Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
