Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
