Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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