the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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