I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
