I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
