I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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