Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
