if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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