I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
