I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
