Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
