I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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