My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
