wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
