i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
