All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
